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What If I Live?

Depressed woman

This is a guest post written by G Collerone for the official blog of the Mental Health Awareness Project. The views and opinions in this post do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of those involved with the Mental Health Awareness Project. We are publishing this guest post in hopes that you may find it helpful or informative.
 
 
 

What if I live?

Been thinking seriously of ending my life in a few weeks. I plan dates. It helps me cope knowing I have some date to look forward to so I know the misery will end. Usually this happens in a state of despair when my pain levels are high and all I can think about is death.

But the next morning, after a few hours or more of sleep, I feel differently. Some mornings I cannot believe I sunk so low. Yet usually there is some record of it — a blog or email or social media post. It brings me back, temporarily, to that place and I wonder: what if I live rather than go through the plan to die?

I have few events coming up in the next few months. Something to look forward to, so to speak, yet on the nights of despair, they are far from reach, unable to be thought about. Someone said that I should write goodbye letters. I wrote one to my psychiatrist. The other 19 people on my list is a little harder. I don’t have all my ducks in a row, so to speak, to end my life like I had planned way back in March. I was supposed to die in June. It is now the middle of July and I am still here. I don’t feel that getting help would be helpful to me. I have been in therapy for 27 years, that is nearly half of my lifetime. Yet I still remain as suicidally trapped as I did when I was 15 years old and wanted to seriously end my life then.

What if I live?

I don’t know the answer to this question. I just keep going, hoping the day won’t come where I’ll say I’ve had enough and go through with my plan. I don’t want to live. I am in too much physical pain. CRPS has taken so much from me. Might as well take my life as well. I’m not worth living.

I feel like I am crying wolf too many times. I don’t think anyone believes just how serious I am this time. But even I am not 100% convinced I will end my life on the day I planned. What if I live? What if I die? What if I am rescued in time? No one knows my plan. Hell, I don’t even know it completely. I’ve been too afraid of putting it forward because that will make it more real. Do I have to end my life? I feel I have to. I feel no one cares how bad I hurt. And not one medical professional wants to see my suffering end. I’ve had enough of fighting for my care. I had to do this since I was 16. I can’t do it anymore. I’ve run out of gas. If I live, I’ll continue to suffer just so my family and friends aren’t in pain. What kind of life is that?

I’ve been pushing through trying to hang on. I know the demons will pass in the morning. Hence I live to see another day. Hence I live, least until despair grabs a hold of me once again.

What if I live?

Comments(3)

  1. Rachael S. says

    I relate to you strongly. Thank you for so courageously and eloquently putting into words these thoughts that can be so difficult to mentally contain.

  2. Donna Hudson says

    I have felt this same way every day. When I feel myself wake up, I say, oh crap I am still here. I just exist, I have nothing to live for, both of my Parents have passed away, as well as my one brother. There is one reason why I can’t leave yet, I won’t leave my cat all alone. He’s one of the reasons I am still alive. I admire your strength Nicole, I know, from reading your tweets, that you’ve been struggling for a long time. I believe by continuing to write your blog, you are going to reach someone you don’t know.

    • Nicole Carman says

      Thank you, Donna! This post is actually a guest post written by someone else, but honestly I can relate so much to it as well. And, I’m like you, in that I literally break down in tears when I think about leaving my cats behind. My husband would still be there, but I just can’t stand the thought of leaving them.

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