Personally I reached a really low point in terms of my own Mental Health earlier this week, if you are new to my blog posts or even to MHAP I have a diagnosis of anxiety and depression, on Tuesday I attempted to take my own life again for the fourth time this year. Why? Because I reached a huge realisation that I honestly didn’t care about my own life anymore, I was tired of being let down, of being taken advantage of, being used and led on. After my breakdown in February the psychiatrists suggested that I should be honest with my feelings and emotions with those around me. I did. And it resulted in being manipulated again by someone that I trusted and even loved – in the end he used me, took advantage and led me to believe he felt the same way. Now, I can hear the critiques from you: ‘Why let a guy do this?’ and ‘Why kill yourself because of a guy?’ – the point is, I didn’t do it because of the guy, it was the actions he did that led me to do it.
Fortunately I survived.
The police arrived and so forth and spoke to my Mum. I will admit I spent that rest of the evening locked away and isolated, I even set my phone alarm for about 3am so I could sneak down and grab a load of snacks so I wouldn’t have to interact with other people the next day. Yeah not my finest moment. But one thing did actually stick into my mind, the next evening when my Mum was home from work she was talking to me – I wasn’t very responsive – but she did say something that was very important. ‘We as a family want you to get better, we have days when we just want to scream and cry, we love you. But please get help for you this time, stop thinking about others, stop thinking of us, you need to do this for you.
When I’ve had my breakdowns I never realised that the reason I spoke to doctors, psychiatrists and therapists and so forth was all down to what I felt I needed to do for my family. So they could trust me, so we could forget and go back to normal. Not once did I seek help for myself at all. This had me thinking, seeking help for Mental Health takes a commitment, a commitment that you have to make yourself in order to succeed. If you don’t fully commit you will not get that deserved outcome. You have to commit to change, you have to be motivated to change – if not why bother taking medication, going to the gym or even attend counselling. Even my doctor on Thursday made the same comment, if you cannot commit and motivate yourself you will remain in that dark and unfeeling limbo area.
It sounds harsh, but I totally agree. I lacked motivation for two weeks and stopped taking all medication because I didn’t want to commit, it was all a chore because it was what my family wanted. Yes this contributed to my depression worsening but at the same time, I had to learn the hard way that only I can help but only if I want to.
Has anyone else felt this way? Leave a comment below! Or even DM me on twitter.
What I will say is this: once you have totally hit rock bottom the only was is up – but YOU have to be the one to fight your way out.
Until next week,
P.s. make sure to follow my blog! Also at MHAP we have launched a Go Fund Me page in order to continue our work and to become an official Non-profit for Mental Health Awareness, if you can spare a few pennies that would be so awesome!