At the beginning of February 2019, I lost my job because of my mental health (missing too many days of work). It triggered a severe depressive episode that hasn’t yet subsided.
Not only do I feel like a failure, but I also feel useless and worthless. I can no longer contribute income to our household. I, essentially, feel like a huge burden. I use resources like food, water, and electricity, but I’m unable to help replenish or pay for them. It’s a miserable feeling. I’ve experienced several mental health crises since then.
My decision to text the Crisis Text Line
I decided to text the Crisis Text Line (741741) when the suicidal thoughts started to become too overwhelming for me to handle. I normally wouldn’t, but a text line seemed less awkward than a phone call to a hotline so I wanted to give it a try. What did I have to lose?
I texted “HOME” to 741741. I immediately received an automated message stating the number was the Crisis Text Line and that I wasn’t alone. I was asked to describe my crisis while I was waiting to be assigned to a Crisis Counselor. I texted that I was experiencing: frequent and intrusive suicidal thoughts. Two minutes later, I was connected with a Counselor.
My Crisis Counselor introduced herself and asked me various things, mostly pertaining to coping methods I’ve used in the past and about things I like to do in my spare time to keep me calm. She asked me if I was suicidal. I told her no, but that I was experiencing persistent suicidal thoughts.
As I continued to speak with her, I realized that our conversation was sort of distracting me. I started to think about things I enjoy, like writing and reading and coloring, instead of thinking only about dying. She asked me if I wanted to try doing any of the things I told her that I enjoy. I told her that I could always try writing a blog post or that I could start working on the novel I’ve been wanting to write. I ultimately decided to write a blog post, since I haven’t in quite some time.
I spoke with her for just under an hour and a half.
My overall opinion
Overall, I found that the Crisis Text Line was mildly helpful. My Crisis Counselor was nice, she listened to me, and my conversation with her helped distract me. I still have those feelings of uselessness and worthlessness, and I still feel like a burden, but the thoughts aren’t as overwhelming as they were before texting the Crisis Text Line.
I recommend texting them if you ever feel like you need to. You might feel skeptical or scared or embarrassed, but don’t be. If you don’t find it helpful, you can always utilize other resources.
If you feel like you will hurt yourself or if you are actively suicidal, we highly recommend that you seek immediate help from someone local to you, such as a trusted friend or family member, a medical professional, or your local emergency department. Please don’t suffer in silence!